A Leopard with New Spots

I've always maintained the idea that people can change.  The only key is their desire to do so.  To that end, please take the time to read this beautiful story:

Reformed Skinhead
http://news.yahoo.com/reformed-skinhead-endures-agony-remove-tattoos-162205881.html

May more individuals living with hate in their hearts open themselves to the beauty of love for and acceptance of others, and themselves.

-DOC

The Truth About Trying

Redbook's "The Truth About Trying" Campaign

Lots of videos - lots of topics.  Wonderful resource.
http://www.redbookmag.com/health-wellness/advice/infertility-video-series#v1223386553001

This is love.

A dying man's race to adopt:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44597789/ns/health-health_care/?gt1=43001

Pro-Choice isn't pro-death

It's my blog, I'll post my opinion if I want to.  And here it is:
If we spent tax dollars on abortions, condoms and sex ed, we wouldn't spend half as much on welfare, food stamps and incarceration. The foster care system and child protective services would have more manageable case loads. I can't be pro-life because being "alive" does not equal "life" in the manner God intended.  Require a license to procreate, and I may just change my mind.

-DOC

It goes both ways

In the same manner that I find myself struggling with deep feelings after learning of anothers pregnancy, I also find myself deeply saddened by the struggles of friends dealing with infertility / secondary infertility.  Today, I learned that a friends first round of IVF was not a success.  I was so sure it would be.  I was hoping and praying that she would get her BFP and feel the joy so many of us long to feel again.  I feel so devastated for her.  Sending my love your way, A.

-DOC

Up Side of Anger...

The "up" side of anger, for me at least, is that it makes me want to work out - hard!  Every ounce of energy goes into a workout that leaves me to exhausted to feel the anger so deeply.  At least for a little while.

-DOC

Gearing up...

Well, I may just be starting a new treatment plan with my new RE.  Only problem = DH.  Not so supportive.  He's very supportive of the idea of not trying any more, but not very supportive when it comes to seeking medical treatment.  I understand his religion-backed views in regard to ART, but if we're not going to interfere with "God's Plan", then it's not really "right" to prevent conception either - at any point in time.  I'm feeling really frustrated with DH right now.  We got married to have kids, plural.  So, let's do what we can to have kids. 

DH, you are so in love with E it amazes me, and you are a wonderful father.  She's lucky to have you.  For the life of me, I will never understand how you can be so uninterested in doing everything we can to have more.  We're good parents; E is a beautiful, intelligent testament to that fact.  Being good parents means you are providing the world with more good people; people who may just leave this world much better off than it is today.  Overpopulation is an issue, yes.  To that end, we need to be responsible conservationists and do what we can to ensure this world can support its people.  But it doesn't mean we (I?) should deny our (my?)interest in having more children.  It means that we need to do everything we can to help our child(ren) be positive, productive and peaceful additions to this world.

Ugh.  Fingers crossed that DH is on board with this new treatment when the time comes - waiting for CD1, only a few days left to decide after that DH!

-DOC

Life Lesson

We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that’s waiting for us.   
- Joseph Campbell

I don't know when I began learning this lesson, but if I were to guess, I'd say it happened shortly after I got married.  Almost nothing was as I had thought, the way I'd imagined, in my head.  One house you live in forever, a white picket fence, and a tree planted when each child is born - trees that will grow enough for a swing by the time grandchildren come to visit.  People tell you "marriage is hard work", but I didn't internalize that information until I lived it.  Marriage, and my life, was not a cinderella fairy tale, and I took it hard.  Thankfully, something made me stop.  Stop fighting my reality and really take a look around.  When I gave myself the chance to do that, I realized that I had a lot to be happy about.  So what if my life doesn't fit into some pre-conceived mold I'd created in my teens?  What did I know about life then anyway?  As it turns out, in spite of a rather unique path, I am happy.  Happier than I ever thought I could be.  I love my life, and I love where it's going, with one exception.  The exception being my secondary infertility and my inability to complete our family with a second child.  See, there it is again - I had always "planned" on 4 children.  Now, I would be over the moon to have just one more; I would feel more complete.  But I have to know in my heart that if I am only blessed with this one, beautiful child of mine, I can still have a good life - the life that's waiting for me.

(Will I be forgiven if I still hold out hope that my second child is a part of the life that's waiting???)

-DOC

Unwritten Posts

So it seems I'm not very good at keeping up this blog!  It's funny, because before I created DOC, I would write multiple posts a day in my head.  I still do - but the journey from my head to the blog seems all but impossible most days.  Why is that?  Is it because I do not use one of the many mobile devices on the market?  Is it because I'm tied into other activities?  Or is it that fear - the one that is always there, holding me back from writing everything I wish to write?  The fear is almost like a floodgate - if it ever lifts, who knows how much will flow into the empty space?  More importantly, will it hold any value, or merely contribute to the sewage so often pumped into cyberspace?

Got to work on releasing the gate - I'll never know if I don't try.

- DOC

Love is...

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine: Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Do you really want to drink that?

Do I need to say that I love coffee?  That coffee flows through my veins and is my life source?  I think not.  Unfortunately, I am very sensitive to caffeine and messing with my daily intake almost certainly results in a migraine.  In an attempt to increase my fertility, I tried to switch to decaf. I don't mind the taste. I've never claimed to be a connoisseur.  Then I learned of the chemicals used in the decaffeination process.  It seems a cup o' joe a day is a far better alternative to ingesting these chemicals.  You decide:

Scientific American: How Is Caffieine Removed...
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=how-is-caffeine-removed-t&print=true

- DOC

White Bread

As my daughter was getting ready for bed last night, she paused to pick a few little things off her tummy.  We had just finished our evening snack of homemade spelt cinnamon raisin bread, so I asked if she was picking off bread crumbs. 

In a very confident tone, she replied "No Mama, these are white fuzzies. Besides, bread isn't white."

(Pats self on back)

- DOC

Make the Best of It

Today is not the best day.  There is nothing wrong with it inherently, but my mood sucks.  My mood sucks because I am not pregnant.  I feel hurt to my core about this, and while I have dealt with pain in my life, I sincerely hoped to escape having to deal with pain at this depth ever again.  I am beyond blessed to have my daughter, E.  As I round the two-year bend of trying to provide E with a sibling, it becomes increasingly clear what an absolute miracle she is.  It is also becoming clear that a sibling will never be.  A bitter, bitter pill. 

Some say that I should be grateful for the one child I have, and get on with my life.  After all, there are many people who have no children.  Others might say that because I have a child, I know what it is I am missing. (Whether what I am missing is good or bad depends greatly on the source).

I will not pretend that I know the pain of being childless.  Nor would a childless person understand my pain.

A few months ago, a close friend confided that while she has 3 wonderful, healthy children, she longs for a fourth, and had been having trouble conceiving, relative to the ease with which she conceived the first three.  The pain she described to me sounded so much like my own, and I have to admit, I was a little surprised.  She was sensitive to my situation however, and worried that I might judge her or feel that she was not grateful for what she had, as I have no hope for four children and would give my eye teeth for just two, much less three.

This was an opportunity for me to practice the understanding that I wish others could extend to me.  I have no idea what it's like to live in the shoes of this friend, and while I might empathize, I can no more feel her true pain than she can feel mine.  I did not feel judgement in my heart, and for that, I am grateful.  I must have passed some sort of test.  Another test has been presented to me, as she has just this week disclosed her pregnancy.  I believe I have passed this one as well, because I am honestly, truly happy for her.  I am sad too, because had I been successful this time around, we would have been able to share the journey together.  What a long way that experience would have gone toward fulfilling the wrinkled prune that is my soul. 

Too add to my list of complaints (whines?), I am nearing the end of my conception journey.  At the end of April, my Husband and I will stop trying for E's sibling, and start trying to get on with our lives as a family of three.  My Mother thinks I'm crazy for preventing anything.  "If God is your co-pilot, you're in the wrong seat" she says.  I understand her point, but I do not believe that I was put on this Earth to be "driven around".  God put me here, God gave me tools and the ability to learn.  But He's not going to live my life for me.  Ultimately, the course of my life depends upon where I've driven my "car" - the choices I've made.  I don't think the Good Lord put me here just to enjoy the ride.  He wants more from me.  If only I could understand why He has given me such a strong desire to parent, yet taken away my ability to fully give of myself in that way.  At this point, I cannot imagine a single thing more fulfilling, more worth-doing, than being a Mother.  My poor, wonderful daughter does not need all the "mothering" I have to give. 

So, what do I do with it?

- DOC

Thesis

What on Earth am I doing this for, anyway?  Therapy.  Free, yet open to the world.  Not sure how I feel about that, but to be honest, as a young girl, my diary entries always smacked of being written to an awaiting audience, so I guess blogging won't be so bad.  I commit to nothing in this blog - I won't say that this is a blog about being a stay-at-home Mom to one, or about PCOS, or the struggles of infertility.  I would love to say that this is a blog about overcoming challenges.  I will probably throw in topics such as health, eating well, and how I loathe exercise.  I will try not to complain too much, but 10 to 1 you will be granted the privilege of my unbridled opinion here and there.  Bet you can guess my astrological sign.

-DOC

Day Old Coffee

I'm sitting at my kitchen table, drinking day old coffee from one of my daughter's sippy cups; the only clean cup in the cabinet this dreary morning.  As I swallow the still glorious black brew, I listen to E hum her favorite holiday song.  The same few bars repeated over and over again.  She is putting the finishing touches on her latest masterpiece, critically eyeing a teal sequin in the far right corner.  Satisfied, she breaks the silence as she excitedly cries "Look Mama!" and holds it up for my approval.
I count my blessings.

- DOC