It goes both ways

In the same manner that I find myself struggling with deep feelings after learning of anothers pregnancy, I also find myself deeply saddened by the struggles of friends dealing with infertility / secondary infertility.  Today, I learned that a friends first round of IVF was not a success.  I was so sure it would be.  I was hoping and praying that she would get her BFP and feel the joy so many of us long to feel again.  I feel so devastated for her.  Sending my love your way, A.

-DOC

Up Side of Anger...

The "up" side of anger, for me at least, is that it makes me want to work out - hard!  Every ounce of energy goes into a workout that leaves me to exhausted to feel the anger so deeply.  At least for a little while.

-DOC

Gearing up...

Well, I may just be starting a new treatment plan with my new RE.  Only problem = DH.  Not so supportive.  He's very supportive of the idea of not trying any more, but not very supportive when it comes to seeking medical treatment.  I understand his religion-backed views in regard to ART, but if we're not going to interfere with "God's Plan", then it's not really "right" to prevent conception either - at any point in time.  I'm feeling really frustrated with DH right now.  We got married to have kids, plural.  So, let's do what we can to have kids. 

DH, you are so in love with E it amazes me, and you are a wonderful father.  She's lucky to have you.  For the life of me, I will never understand how you can be so uninterested in doing everything we can to have more.  We're good parents; E is a beautiful, intelligent testament to that fact.  Being good parents means you are providing the world with more good people; people who may just leave this world much better off than it is today.  Overpopulation is an issue, yes.  To that end, we need to be responsible conservationists and do what we can to ensure this world can support its people.  But it doesn't mean we (I?) should deny our (my?)interest in having more children.  It means that we need to do everything we can to help our child(ren) be positive, productive and peaceful additions to this world.

Ugh.  Fingers crossed that DH is on board with this new treatment when the time comes - waiting for CD1, only a few days left to decide after that DH!

-DOC

Life Lesson

We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that’s waiting for us.   
- Joseph Campbell

I don't know when I began learning this lesson, but if I were to guess, I'd say it happened shortly after I got married.  Almost nothing was as I had thought, the way I'd imagined, in my head.  One house you live in forever, a white picket fence, and a tree planted when each child is born - trees that will grow enough for a swing by the time grandchildren come to visit.  People tell you "marriage is hard work", but I didn't internalize that information until I lived it.  Marriage, and my life, was not a cinderella fairy tale, and I took it hard.  Thankfully, something made me stop.  Stop fighting my reality and really take a look around.  When I gave myself the chance to do that, I realized that I had a lot to be happy about.  So what if my life doesn't fit into some pre-conceived mold I'd created in my teens?  What did I know about life then anyway?  As it turns out, in spite of a rather unique path, I am happy.  Happier than I ever thought I could be.  I love my life, and I love where it's going, with one exception.  The exception being my secondary infertility and my inability to complete our family with a second child.  See, there it is again - I had always "planned" on 4 children.  Now, I would be over the moon to have just one more; I would feel more complete.  But I have to know in my heart that if I am only blessed with this one, beautiful child of mine, I can still have a good life - the life that's waiting for me.

(Will I be forgiven if I still hold out hope that my second child is a part of the life that's waiting???)

-DOC