Today is not the best day. There is nothing wrong with it inherently, but my mood sucks. My mood sucks because I am not pregnant. I feel hurt to my core about this, and while I have dealt with pain in my life, I sincerely hoped to escape having to deal with pain at this depth ever again. I am beyond blessed to have my daughter, E. As I round the two-year bend of trying to provide E with a sibling, it becomes increasingly clear what an absolute miracle she is. It is also becoming clear that a sibling will never be. A bitter, bitter pill.
Some say that I should be grateful for the one child I have, and get on with my life. After all, there are many people who have no children. Others might say that because I have a child, I know what it is I am missing. (Whether what I am missing is good or bad depends greatly on the source).
I will not pretend that I know the pain of being childless. Nor would a childless person understand my pain.
A few months ago, a close friend confided that while she has 3 wonderful, healthy children, she longs for a fourth, and had been having trouble conceiving, relative to the ease with which she conceived the first three. The pain she described to me sounded so much like my own, and I have to admit, I was a little surprised. She was sensitive to my situation however, and worried that I might judge her or feel that she was not grateful for what she had, as I have no hope for four children and would give my eye teeth for just two, much less three.
This was an opportunity for me to practice the understanding that I wish others could extend to me. I have no idea what it's like to live in the shoes of this friend, and while I might empathize, I can no more feel her true pain than she can feel mine. I did not feel judgement in my heart, and for that, I am grateful. I must have passed some sort of test. Another test has been presented to me, as she has just this week disclosed her pregnancy. I believe I have passed this one as well, because I am honestly, truly happy for her. I am sad too, because had I been successful this time around, we would have been able to share the journey together. What a long way that experience would have gone toward fulfilling the wrinkled prune that is my soul.
Too add to my list of complaints (whines?), I am nearing the end of my conception journey. At the end of April, my Husband and I will stop trying for E's sibling, and start trying to get on with our lives as a family of three. My Mother thinks I'm crazy for preventing anything. "If God is your co-pilot, you're in the wrong seat" she says. I understand her point, but I do not believe that I was put on this Earth to be "driven around". God put me here, God gave me tools and the ability to learn. But He's not going to live my life for me. Ultimately, the course of my life depends upon where I've driven my "car" - the choices I've made. I don't think the Good Lord put me here just to enjoy the ride. He wants more from me. If only I could understand why He has given me such a strong desire to parent, yet taken away my ability to fully give of myself in that way. At this point, I cannot imagine a single thing more fulfilling, more worth-doing, than being a Mother. My poor, wonderful daughter does not need all the "mothering" I have to give.
So, what do I do with it?
- DOC
